Recently, I’ve focused on the professional aspects of publications in different genres and platforms, but I’ve also neglected one of the most powerful: the website. So, instead of sending this satire into The Breeze, JMU’s student newspaper, I thought I would share it with you, my loyal writer audience. Without further ado:
“Now watch what you say, or they’ll be calling you a radical.
Liberal, fanatical, criminal.”
Supertramp, “The Logical Song”
It’s morning in Freedomville. At last, our enemy has revealed itself.
No, not you, logic-lovers. You’re only pawns in the web. No, liberty is under threat from the liberal elite. They’ve come within one syllable of stealing my favorite word: eels.
It’s my fault, really. I should’ve seen this coming from the day I came out of the womb red, white, and blue. The doctors said they had never seen a skin condition so bad, only showing my dedication to suffer for this country.
So suffer your objections, I will. The Founders once warned us that a group of old, intellectual white men would gather together to tell us what to do. Key difference is, our old men weren’t British.
Sometimes I wish they were, so they could be spared the pain of witnessing what this country has become in the last eight years from Heaven with Glenn Frey and Prince. Yes, I wish I could I roll in my own grave each time I think of it: government thugs trying to bring equality and government conspiracies trying to safeguard our resources and lives.
Don’t they know the free market will supply all these demands? Obviously, you’re not demanding equality enough, or we’d have shipping containers of it flooding across the Pacific.
After all, if there was anything the Revolutionary War and the Constitution showed us, it’s that the Founders hated change and regulation. Fortunately, our new Commander-in-Chief promises to bring America back to 1776 for a hard system reboot. You know, just without all the typhoid and yellow fever.
Farewell, socialism. Gone the EPA, the FDA, and AAA. We will deal with the three-letter threat to our free choice once and for all!
“They build castles underground for the rich and politic elite.”
Men at Work, “Underground”
But the Leftist liberal illuminati won’t go quietly. They’ll cry “oppression,” “human rights violations,” and “basic respect.” But our proud history of the Trail of Tears and Guantanamo Bay gives us the strength to see through such moralist distractions. Yes, with each executive order President Trump signs, American earns another stamp on the road to liberation.
My God, another word the liberals are trying to take from us.
“Point out a specific example of this ‘liberal’ conspiracy,” say the nay-sayers from their bunkers in Malibu and Long Island. First off, how dare you make me type quotes inside of quotes to deride a position. You stole that from me.
Second, the manipulation is all around us: the DNC denied Bernie, MSNBC denied Bowling Green, and the IRS denied that I had two thousand dependents. The government overreach of acronyms must be stopped!
Every day, brothers and sisters of the Stars and Stripes. Every day that we give the establishment puppet masters one inch, they come closer to turning it into three centimeters. Indeed, the Founders carried the torch against European influence then, and I will carry it against metric corruption now.
But Russia’s just fine.
“Back in the USSR.”
The Beatles, “Back in the USSR”
What? Don’t give me that look.
Our president has shown that President Putin is a “very smart” man who can be trusted with a Crimea or two. Why else would he criticize the New START nuclear deal unless he knew the Russian Federation wouldn’t deploy nukes in our backyard?
Here’s a fun challenge, fact-fanatics: name two times that’s happened.
Didn’t think so.
Yes, through this new alliance, President Trump and President Putin will rid the world of the liberal elite one acronym at a time. Away with the UN, down with NAFTA, so long NATO!
But not the DOD. We’re going to need that.