Due to a disagreement between the editors at The Breeze, the multiple satires I wrote will never be published in their paper. However, I realized that I have a website that can distribute them just as effectively. So, the topics may be dated by a few weeks, but they are (sadly) no less relevant.
CNN Starts Fake News Section
Rising to the challenge of Fox News’s “Fair and Balanced” tagline, CNN has committed to equally reporting both real and false news stories. The newly added Fake News tab on the network’s website features compelling headlines such as “Pipeline spills found to increase health,” “DNC planning ‘Real Housewives’ reunion with Bernie Sanders on Bravo” and “CBO finds that less healthcare coverage for elderly boosts funeral industry.”
The news agency made their pushback against the conservative Fox News clear, modifying the channel’s byline for their new section: “They Report, You Decide.”
“We’re hoping for a democracy of news here,” said Jacques Knocker, the head editor for the Fake News section. “If Americans can vote for which side they believe in, why should that stop after the election? I say we let them elect their own news.”
Knocker described himself as a curator as opposed to a journalist. “We trawl the Internet for whatever fish attract the most bait,” he said in an extended metaphor. “Whatever we drag up from the bottom with them, well, that’s just more options.”
“And, come on, look at those ratings,” he said, gesturing to a computer displaying analytics for CNN’s new page. Notably, the traffic rate had spiked far above reports about terrorism in London and investigations into Russian interference in the 2016 election. “America has spoken. They want to hear about Rhianna’s conspiracy to start a puppet government in Minnesota, not the minor issues of reality.”
Tapping a key, Knocker cued up view reports for one IP address. “This one corresponds with 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,” Knocker said. “Just look at those numbers.” Starting at 6:30 am, the click rate stayed consistent throughout the day until 7:00 pm.
“We’re pretty sure that’s when he switches over to the ‘other’ network,” Knocker said, glancing behind him. “I’m not allowed to speak their name, but let’s just say, they don’t have the market cornered on the ‘no-fact zone’ anymore.”
When asked about the future of his fledgling news team, Knocker expressed hopes of removing “Fake” from his section’s title. “It’s a trial period right now, so I understand we have to ease our way in. But once the public’s in the pool, I think they’ll find a way to warm up to it.”
Several hours after the Fake News section launched, a report leaked from an executive at Fox that the network plans to start an American News section.